controlling behavior A rift in a relationship severely damages the connection between two people and erodes respect and trust, ultimately turning what was once a beautiful pure bond into something frustrating, unhealthy and dangerous. To maintain a happy and balanced relationship, it is important to understand, accept and respect that every person is different, and one must live with them as they are, rather than fantasizing about an ideal version of them in the mind.
It is equally important to understand why some individuals display controlling and dominating behaviour and what are the practical ways to deal with it. If you are someone who is in a controlling and manipulative relationship, this is the perfect opportunity for you to get to the root of it and get practical solutions to handle it effectively, while also making sure you respect the feelings of your other half. So, dive in!
Why do people try to control and change their partner?
There have been many detailed psychological studies and researches that have shown that controlling behaviour often manifests from deeper psychological problems and also serves as a coping mechanism for unmet needs in a relationship. While these issues can be highly subjective to every individual, let’s discuss some of the common reasons for such behaviour:
Anxious Attachment Styles in a relationship
There are several styles of attachment, some of the common ones being secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganised attachment. Here, anxious attachment can be a significant cause of controlling and manipulative behaviour. A person with such problems may become controlling, thinking this will help them maintain stability in their relationship, fearing and facing difficulties in healthy expression and forms of communication.
Unrealistic expectations
In this age of social media and modern cinema, expectations and standards have become highly unrealistic and difficult to meet. Individuals, who easily fall under their influence, may try to change their partner and mold him or her into an ‘ideal version’, which in reality does not exist! They think this is the ultimate way to find happiness in their relationship, which actually does nothing but make it worse.
Past trauma and abuse
Individuals who have suffered trauma and abuse in their past relationships, or even in life in general, such as childhood abuse, neglect, domestic violence or traumatic loss, may have adopted a mindset of controlling their partner to keep themselves safe and deal with it whenever they feel threatened.
low self-esteem and insecurity
Another important and most common cause of controlling behaviour is the feeling of insecurity in individuals. People with low self-esteem may have grown up looking at having control over their partner as a form of security and validation and assurance of love for them. Such individuals may make unreasonable requests of their partner, just to see if they will do it or accept it and if they don’t, they may take it as a sign that their partner doesn’t love them anymore. They may use phrases like “If you loved me, you would…”.
Now that we have a deeper insight into the reasons behind controlling behaviour, it is important to recognise the subtle but important signs that indicate your partner is trying to change or control you. Here is how to recognise such red flag behaviours:
Trying to isolate you
The isolation strategy is a subtle but powerful tool that ultimately makes them somewhat dependent on you by getting your attention 24/7 and constantly limiting your interactions with your loved ones. This can include pressuring you to always spend time with them, creating unnecessary drama and conflict that prevents you from hanging out with your friends and family.
Criticism in the name of concern
Another sign could be receiving constant criticism! Your partner may always be criticising aspects of your life, your desires and choices, appearance or behaviour in an attempt to mould you to their liking. They may interpret this criticism as an act of caring and want you to become a better version of yourself, but the reality is that they are seeking control over your life by slowly and subtly damaging your self-esteem.
Ignoring your limits
Your partner may often try to cross your boundaries, not respect your personal space. This can manifest in the form of forcing you to do things against your will and emotionally manipulating you, pressuring you to spend more time with them, always calling and messaging you, and dismissing your preferences.
Dealing with such challenging and controlling behaviour in a relationship can be difficult and requires significant attention and thoughtfulness in your approach, while also ensuring that you are not being harsh and abusive towards your partner, for the sake of both your well-being. To regain control of your life, here are some practical tips that can be followed:
Set clear boundaries
Define your boundaries clearly and firmly. Letting your partner know this is an important step in taking back control. Communicate politely but firmly, stating what you are comfortable with and what you are not. For example, if you need time and personal space for yourself, communicate these needs to your partner. Make sure not to cross these boundaries and be consistent with them.
Boost your independence
While it is good to depend on each other and need each other in a healthy way, it is equally or even more important that you do not let your individual identity be at stake. Focus on becoming more self-reliant and confident in yourself by taking time for yourself and pursuing your personal goals, passions, and hobbies. Being emotionally and financially self-reliant can help you gain control over your life.
Seek professional help
Talking to a professional like a relationship counselor or therapist can be extremely beneficial in such a challenging situation. They are expert individuals who can help you and your partner better understand the dynamics of the relationship and provide special techniques and strategies to help you deal with controlling behavior as well as help you build strong self-esteem and confidence in yourself.
And so, dealing with a partner who exhibits controlling behavior can be challenging, yet crucial to maintaining a happy and healthy relationship. Tamannaah Bhatia’s insight about not trying to change your partner highlights the utmost importance of mutual respect and setting clear boundaries. By seeking support, setting healthy boundaries, and embracing and promoting individuality, it is possible to improve the dynamics of your relationship while achieving a completely happy and joyful relationship with your partner.
