why do you do it women those who suffer intimate partner violence Do they often go back to their abusers? There is no simple or clear answer to this.
At the age of 27, Radhika took the courageous decision to end her marriage after enduring four months of emotional and physical abuse. abuseEducated and independent, she took refuge in her parents’ home, although she soon realized it would never be the same.
Now, a decade later, Radhika has built a successful career and explored new horizons in life. Despite her achievements, social pressure The challenges of remarrying and living alone take a toll on her. Reflecting on her past, she finds herself wondering if enduring her abusive marriage – despite its lasting physical and emotional scars – would have been easier than facing the critical attitudes and ostentatious support from others. In a conversation with a friend who, unlike her, enjoys the support of family and friends and lives life on her own terms, Radhika sadly remarks, “It’s unfortunate that so many women, at some point in their lives, are forced to think this way.”
The statistics paint a grim picture: Kerala In Kerala alone, 6,256 cases of crime against women were registered in the six months of 2024. In 2023, 12 women died tragically in Kerala due to dowry-related issues. Of the 468 cases of intimate partner violence at the national level, 376 were from Kerala alone. The State Crime Records Bureau registered 1,092 cases Domestic Violence More than 1,000 cases will be registered under Section 498A of the IPC by March this year and 4,711 cases of cruelty against women by husbands or relatives will be registered by 2023.
Recent incidents that have caught people’s attention, such as the Pantheerankavu case, the Vismaya dowry death case and the Uthara snakebite murder case, underscore this pervasive issue. Despite the open doors of familial support and protection, the women in these cases chose to return to their abusive husbands. This trend raises important questions about the underlying reasons for “why Kerala women fail to make the decision from ‘I do’ to ‘I don’t deserve it’?”
Studies show that one in four women experience intimate partner violence, often attempting to leave their partner several times before succeeding. “Women in our society still do not get enough space to live independently. Despite their abilities, many women from all social strata find themselves trapped in relationships with dysfunctional or difficult husbands. On returning home after escaping an abusive relationship, they are often treated as outcasts in their own families,” comments social scientist TR Suma. “This phenomenon is not just about social norms; deeper emotional factors are also involved. Many women justify staying with an alcoholic partner, believing they need a masculine presence to feel complete. This reflects implicit values and upbringing.”
While economic independence has empowered women to a large extent, progress in social, psychological and cultural empowerment is limited. Many women remain unaware of economic abuse, and thinking about leaving such relationships often comes with additional burdens, including financial repercussions such as a lower credit score.
Educator and counsellor Dr Veena Santhanu says, “When women move into their husband’s house, they often bring cultural norms from their parents’ relationships. After initially adjusting out of love, they later find themselves taken for granted, leading to low self-esteem. Even after the physical wounds have healed, women may reconcile with their partner for fear of romantic gestures and social acceptance.”
Historical perspectives, such as those found in literature such as Chandu Menon’s Indulekha and Uroob’s Sundarikalam Sundarimarum, highlight contrasting patterns. “Prior to colonisation, in regions such as Malabar, Cochin and Travancore, matriarchal cultures granted women significant autonomy in choosing partners and managing family affairs. The erosion of these cultural frameworks through colonisation introduced new norms, including the expectation that women would leave their homes after marriage, which disrupted traditional support networks,” says historical researcher Sajitha Rani.
Smriti Sasidharan, a lawyer specialising in women’s rights, says, “Many women in our country are treated as refugees and do not have the freedom to make decisions for themselves. Those who choose independence face stigma and challenges, including pressure from society to conform to others or remain in an abusive marriage.”
Creating supportive communities for women escaping domestic violence is vital. Safe homes and shelter homes, which are currently often unmaintained, need restructuring and more funding.
Support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous can provide safety and community integration to victims. “One-stop centres, though they exist, need more funding and specialist support to navigate complex relationship dynamics without prejudice. Education to recognise violence must start early, addressing mental, economic and cultural abuse, not just physical violence,” Smriti suggests.
Awareness campaigns should also focus on empowering women by informing them about their rights and the support systems available. Veena says, “We need to work towards change. It is important to take one step at a time, practice self-love, and focus on mental and physical health. It is important not to succumb to gaslighting and mansplaining; it is important to find your own way. If you are being abused, at least inform people close to you or report to the police. Recognize mental, economic, and cultural abuse, not just physical violence.”
At the age of 27, Radhika took the courageous decision to end her marriage after enduring four months of emotional and physical abuse. abuseEducated and independent, she took refuge in her parents’ home, although she soon realized it would never be the same.
Now, a decade later, Radhika has built a successful career and explored new horizons in life. Despite her achievements, social pressure The challenges of remarrying and living alone take a toll on her. Reflecting on her past, she finds herself wondering if enduring her abusive marriage – despite its lasting physical and emotional scars – would have been easier than facing the critical attitudes and ostentatious support from others. In a conversation with a friend who, unlike her, enjoys the support of family and friends and lives life on her own terms, Radhika sadly remarks, “It’s unfortunate that so many women, at some point in their lives, are forced to think this way.”
The statistics paint a grim picture: Kerala In Kerala alone, 6,256 cases of crime against women were registered in the six months of 2024. In 2023, 12 women died tragically in Kerala due to dowry-related issues. Of the 468 cases of intimate partner violence at the national level, 376 were from Kerala alone. The State Crime Records Bureau registered 1,092 cases Domestic Violence More than 1,000 cases will be registered under Section 498A of the IPC by March this year and 4,711 cases of cruelty against women by husbands or relatives will be registered by 2023.
Recent incidents that have caught people’s attention, such as the Pantheerankavu case, the Vismaya dowry death case and the Uthara snakebite murder case, underscore this pervasive issue. Despite the open doors of familial support and protection, the women in these cases chose to return to their abusive husbands. This trend raises important questions about the underlying reasons for “why Kerala women fail to make the decision from ‘I do’ to ‘I don’t deserve it’?”
Studies show that one in four women experience intimate partner violence, often attempting to leave their partner several times before succeeding. “Women in our society still do not get enough space to live independently. Despite their abilities, many women from all social strata find themselves trapped in relationships with dysfunctional or difficult husbands. On returning home after escaping an abusive relationship, they are often treated as outcasts in their own families,” comments social scientist TR Suma. “This phenomenon is not just about social norms; deeper emotional factors are also involved. Many women justify staying with an alcoholic partner, believing they need a masculine presence to feel complete. This reflects implicit values and upbringing.”
While economic independence has empowered women to a large extent, progress in social, psychological and cultural empowerment is limited. Many women remain unaware of economic abuse, and thinking about leaving such relationships often comes with additional burdens, including financial repercussions such as a lower credit score.
Educator and counsellor Dr Veena Santhanu says, “When women move into their husband’s house, they often bring cultural norms from their parents’ relationships. After initially adjusting out of love, they later find themselves taken for granted, leading to low self-esteem. Even after the physical wounds have healed, women may reconcile with their partner for fear of romantic gestures and social acceptance.”
Historical perspectives, such as those found in literature such as Chandu Menon’s Indulekha and Uroob’s Sundarikalam Sundarimarum, highlight contrasting patterns. “Prior to colonisation, in regions such as Malabar, Cochin and Travancore, matriarchal cultures granted women significant autonomy in choosing partners and managing family affairs. The erosion of these cultural frameworks through colonisation introduced new norms, including the expectation that women would leave their homes after marriage, which disrupted traditional support networks,” says historical researcher Sajitha Rani.
Smriti Sasidharan, a lawyer specialising in women’s rights, says, “Many women in our country are treated as refugees and do not have the freedom to make decisions for themselves. Those who choose independence face stigma and challenges, including pressure from society to conform to others or remain in an abusive marriage.”
Creating supportive communities for women escaping domestic violence is vital. Safe homes and shelter homes, which are currently often unmaintained, need restructuring and more funding.
Support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous can provide safety and community integration to victims. “One-stop centres, though they exist, need more funding and specialist support to navigate complex relationship dynamics without prejudice. Education to recognise violence must start early, addressing mental, economic and cultural abuse, not just physical violence,” Smriti suggests.
Awareness campaigns should also focus on empowering women by informing them about their rights and the support systems available. Veena says, “We need to work towards change. It is important to take one step at a time, practice self-love, and focus on mental and physical health. It is important not to succumb to gaslighting and mansplaining; it is important to find your own way. If you are being abused, at least inform people close to you or report to the police. Recognize mental, economic, and cultural abuse, not just physical violence.”
