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I once asked my mother the same question as the main character in this novel-turned-movie, “it ends with us“Her mother asks, “Why didn’t you leave?”
I asked her why she didn’t just leave her boyfriend, Kevin, who often hurt her with his hands and words.
I also asked another question, one I asked hundreds of times throughout my childhood, but this question was just for me, “How can I get him to stop hurting me?”
My mother’s response was, “I thought this was the best I could do, and I didn’t want to be alone.” My response was, “Keep trying your best, because it’s your job to stop this.”
Years later I realized I wasn’t asking the right questions. The right question to ask was, “What do you make of it when you grow up and witness domestic violence?”
“When you grow up witnessing domestic violence.” Just like the main character in “It Ends With Us” saw. Just like I saw. Just like my mom saw. And yes, even Kevin saw it.
Because if we knew that when you experience domestic violence when you grow up, you experience childhood domestic violence (CDV), then we would have something to name it.
Lively said Reynolds sent her flowers every week. (Photo: Cindy Ord/Getty Images)
After all, we know what other “adverse childhood experiences” are called, such as physical child abuse, when a child is beaten for example, or divorce or emotional abuse or even parental incarceration. We know what they are called. But there is exceptionally little awareness of childhood domestic violence (CDV), even among those who experienced it. Many people mistakenly believe that because they “witnessed” violence growing up, nothing really happened to them. This is wrong. The truth is that CDV has a profound life-threatening impact.
If we knew what to call it, we would have diagnosed it. That didn’t happen until the 1980s. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was recognised as a separate diagnosis. And this diagnosis has had a profound impact on the lives of those affected, leading to recognition, treatment and support. As Tony Robbins, who contributed the foreword to my book about childhood domestic violence, once told me, “What is the first thing you do when you get a dog? You tell him his name, only then can you train him to come.”
If we knew that UNICEF C.D.V. One of the most widespread human rights violations in the world today, perhaps everyone who has experienced CDV doesn’t feel so alone. Perhaps it would be easier to talk about.
If we knew what to call it back then, I’ll bet My mother I would have known the truth: that she deserved the love she wanted. And I would have known that it wasn’t my job to try to stop her. Because it’s never a person’s job in childhood to control a person’s actions in adulthood.
Blake Lively poses with Jenny Slate and Isabella Ferrer during the premiere of “It Ends With Us.” (Getty Images)
Currently, there are 275 million people in childhood who need to know this truth. They need to know what to call the violence they witness. There are even more adults in adulthood who need to know that same truth. The truth that works, validates it, and makes it easier to talk about CDV. It is the first step toward full resilience. Why? I think Dr. George Everly, the founding father of modern resilience theory, said it best, ‘Codependency is intrinsically therapeutic.’ He said the same thing about PTSD.
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For those who haven’t read “It Ends With Us” or seen the movie, there will be no spoilers here. However, it’s important to note what one of the world’s leading researchers has said about CDV. Dr. Renee MacDonald writes, “While most people who grow up witnessing domestic violence move on from the violence, they may still be unable to live the life they want to live because their perceptions of themselves and their relationships with others are not what they would like, and they are unaware of this fact.”
The first step toward resilience is awareness. When you grow up witnessing domestic violence, you experience Domestic violence in childhoodI want you to know that you are not alone. And in the words of Dr. MacDonald, “Even a small shift in attitude can be life-changing.”
For those who grew up witnessing domestic violence as children and somehow understood the truth but didn’t know what to call it, you are truly a model of what is possible. Now that you know what to call it, your growth will be exponential. You know that no obstacle you face today can compare to the obstacles you overcame as a child. Those were obstacles you overcame as a child using your mind, body and resources. Now armed with this knowledge and a fully developed adult mind, body and resources, there is no end to the obstacles you can overcome today.
Understanding this truth leads to profound wisdom and logical conclusions. It is available to all people who have faced adversity in their lives. Childhood homeNo matter where you are in life right now, you haven’t yet reached your full potential. You are more than you know.
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You are a model of what is possible. You can now provide others with the awareness, validation and support you did not receive growing up with CDV. Your voice is needed.
If this book-turned-movie, “It Ends With Us,” can help us in our endeavor to achieve universal, global awareness of the least known adversity we faced in our childhood home, then it is truly a work of art.
